I once heard this amazing quote: "You're the best parent in the world, until you become a parent."
Oh how hilariously true. LOUD CACKLE coming from my direction!
Before I actually birthed a human out into this world, I knew. it. ALL.
All these other parents were just assholes. Clueless, gutless, lazy, assholes. I had the secret, and when I had my kids, I was going to apply this secret to my parenting and things were gonna work out magically. My kids would be amazing. They would recite poetry and fractions from the cart at Target, not throw fits! They would be potty trained by age 2! They would be miniature model citizens.
Bahahaha......yes, that is EXACTLY how it turned out!
Let's take a look at all of the rules I broke, shall we?
1. Never EVER let them sleep in your bed.
Broke this one before I even left the hospital. It never felt right to me, and having my babies in bed with me has always enabled us to get the most sleep. I felt guilty about it for a while, like it was something to hide, until one day I was like WHO CARES, co-sleeping and bed sharing ROCKS! For US! And whoever it doesn't rock for, good for you! Boom.
2. Let them cry it out. Otherwise they will never learn to sleep and your life will be ruled by their cries and needs.
Ha. Bullshit. Every inch of my Mom radar says WRONG for our family! Also, what parent has a life that ISN'T ruled by their kid and their needs? Letting them cry or not isn't really affecting that. Plus, we had kids because we wanted them, and we don't consider attending to their needs an inconvenience. But guess what! People who DO let their kids cry it out? I am not judging you. We are all just doing what we need to do to make it through this without spontaneously combusting.
3. Quit Nursing at 1 Year.
Tell that to my kids. Seriously. I can't even begin on this one. It is not anyone else's BUSINESS how long my kids nurse. Have a problem with me allowing my child to enjoy the most nutritious liquid substance on Earth past an age you find acceptable? Don't care. Suck it. Literally. Breast milk would probably make you feel less cranky. Boob is the one thing that puts my 21 month old to sleep, and my milk is one thing I know he will be nourished from at the beginning and end of the day. I treasure this time. Wouldn't have it any other way.
4. They will eat whatever I tell them to eat.
This one is hilarious. Anyone who says this is either a liar, a magician, or an asshole. For the parents who claim this is true and don't appear to be liars or assholes, my hat is off to you, you're a freaking magician. I'm all for not making ten different things to please everyone. My kids don't live off of mac n cheese and chicken nuggets. But they also don't sing, "Yes, Mummy!" in a singsong voice when I put a plate of whatever it is they vehemently hate that minute in front of them.
5. They will never be out in public looking like ragamuffins.
Before I had kids, whenever I saw kids out and about that had messy hair and were not in matching outfits, I was like, "Geez, SOMEONE doesn't care about their kids enough to dress them neatly and do their hair." Now, I'm like, wow I rock as a Mom, I got my kids out in public and am getting shit done. Bonus points if my oldest dressed himself. Whatever he is wearing, no matter how ridiculous it looks, makes me proud. And hair? What? Are we taking pictures today? Am I seeing someone I secretly hate and want to impress? If not, why do I care?
6. I will NOT tolerate fit throwing or loud whining in public!
This is perhaps one of my favorites. People that think this...well, they're just dicks. I'm sorry, but it has to be said. It is totally unrealistic. So let's say I am in Target. My son keeps climbing on the shelves, and after a warning, has to be put into the cart because he cannot control where he is putting his body. He FREAKS out. Crying loudly, complaining, etc. Now, dicks who have an issue with this, let me ask you something. Would you rather I let him climb on the displays? Probably not, and I bet I know what you're thinking. You'd like me to remove him from the store. That's because you're a DICK. So you want me to leave my cart full of stuff that probably took me a good 30 minutes to collect, take my other children and drag them and my screaming child out of the store, all while people stare at me on my way out. In addition to this, you'd like a Target employee to have to spend time walking through the entire store, putting my stuff back. THEN, you'd like me to carve out another hour of time in our schedule that day (because whatever I was there buying, I probably needed immediately and therefore can't put it off another day), get everyone dressed, use more gas, and go do the WHOLE thing over again...during which I can guarantee you one of my children will have a meltdown. And so you'd probably like me to remove them again, wouldn't you? All of this just so you don't have to hear a child crying or screaming from the next aisle over. As if that's the most offensive sound you could hear. As if YOU weren't an asshole when YOU were 3. Please. Same goes for airplanes. Don't even get me started on airplanes.
Basically, I can stop this list right here. Because being a parent is AWESOME and HARD as hell. We are all too busy meeting our kids' needs, trying to survive, trying to be a friend, spouse, and person all at the same time. Spare me if I don't take the time to give a flying fuck what people think about what my kids wear, if they nurse, where they sleep, what they eat, how I get them to sleep, or how loud they cry in Target. In the words of Sweet Brown, Ain't Nobody Got Time for THAT!
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