My head hurts

Well, we can see how awesome I was at keeping up the blog, can't we? I don't even have time to make excuses. Life is kicking my ass. Here is where my head is at right now:

I have been dealing with anxiety and depression basically since Ben was born. I had a brief break when I was pregnant with Mikey (I guess my body was too busy puking 8 times a day for 9 months to be bothered with being anxious or depressed), but then it came back like an effing tidal wave of shitballs when Mikey was about 10 months old. I went to a therapist, I did a lot of work on my own, time has passed...and I am SLOWLY seeing the light. You want to know the most real, tangible reason I know things are improving and I am not just in denial? My sex drive is back. No one other than my husband really can understand how huge this is. I'm talking, I used to be like, um, addicted to dick. Hahah. But really. Then with all of these issues, I was basically allergic to dick. Or any mention of it. So needless to say my addiction (get it) is back.

I still have some anxiety. I still have some issues. Who knows how I will get through the rest of it. But the point is, it's improving. So now my step kids are here for their summer break. They are funny, goofy, loving kids and I love them. HowEVER, having them here has me emotionally and mentally TAPPED. Like, done. It's enough that I have two extremely high maintenance kids. That is my doing anyway, due to the way we parent them. Attachment parenting is just more hands and minds on than some more modern ways of parenting. It is worth it every step of the way, but for a Mom who struggles with postpartum issues, it just makes things a little more tricky. Having the two older kids here, asking me 20 questions about everything, every damn second of the day, on top of the additional mess, cooking, and just GOD EVERYTHING, it has my cup full, about to spill over. I am feeling resentful today. I feel like things were going so well, and now I am taking steps backward. Then I feel like SUCH a bitch, such a typical step-mom. Whining about her step kids. The thing is, it's not THEM. It's just the added two other people that I am playing Mom to. Not just Mom....chauffer, cook, maid, teacher, freaking ass wiper (they're 12 and 14 but still).

Add to this, I am going to get pregnant again this fall. I want 3 kids. However, I am so scared. I am scared of the work, of the emotional car wash I am about to go through. I am scared scared scared. I am nervous that right when the older kids leave and I get back to normal(ish) again, I will get knocked backward yet AGAIN with this new baby. I know it will be worth it in the long run. I don't feel that "done" feeling that Moms who are done having kids talk about. So I feel certain that another Sherman baby is in the cards for us.  But holy hell man, I just don't know how it's gonna work. If I can barely handle an extra (how ugly is it that I just called them "extra") 12 and 14 year old, how am I going to handle ANOTHER BABY who is on my tit 24/7, in my bed..........................................then I think how amazing that time is, and how much I love my kids, and how it will really probably all be alright. Then I look at my friends who have 3 kids who are like basically waving the white flag telling me how hard it is, and I'm like, well, I have two healthy boys, I am getting a handle of life, why tempt fate? I just don't know.

That's where my head is at. I am spread so thin lately. Even right this second. I am typing this to release some negative energy, and Mikey has climbed up onto the kitchen island. Ben is naked behind me tapping his penis on my back while he yanks on my hair. WTF.